I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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