She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
