found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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