dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
