so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
