I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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