Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
