If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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