he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
