my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
