I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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