So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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