Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's always time for handjobs
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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