Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Everything about him screamed your future.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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