I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize