I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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