Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
