I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We have started to decorate penises.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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