Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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