I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
