Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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