He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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