The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i think my cat just said my name.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
