I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
