they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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