If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
