Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
