allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We left the knife in your bed.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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