Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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