You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We got so high we made milksteak
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
