I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
