EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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