my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I lost the right to judge tonight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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