Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
