what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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