i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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