who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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