My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
