you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
