Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize