last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
