I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
