boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
