After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
