I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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