Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
