They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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