I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
