If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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