guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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