he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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