I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
