You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
