Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
