ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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