i can't believe i had my finger in that
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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