i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
