Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
